


Brit-picks for Authors

by JessieBlackwood, Krekta



Category: All modern British, Harry Potter - Fandom, James Bond (Craig movies), Sherlock (TV), Skyfall (2012) - Fandom, Torchwood
Genre: British society and governance, British terms and culture for writers, Class System, Gen, I'm a grammar and spelling pedant, brit-pick, homophones, things that bug me, words that sound the same but mean different things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-17
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2017-12-15 06:49:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/846565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JessieBlackwood/pseuds/JessieBlackwood, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Krekta/pseuds/Krekta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A set of notes for authors concerning a variety of Brit-pick topics. I shall add to this as we go along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Money and Taxis

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, starting with money and it's value. Also includes some notes on taxis.
> 
> A large part of this was first published as Comments for another author.

Brit-pick: Money

We have both coins and notes. Coins go up in the following denominations 1p , 2p (both copper), 5p, 10p, 20p, 50p (all silver-coloured), £1 coin (goldish in colour) and £2 (silver centre, gold outer rim). The £2, 2p and 50p are the largest, the rest are fairly small, the 5p being the smallest and fiddlest of all of them. Teenagers tend to throw away 1p and 2p coins, they are worth so little.

Notes-wise, we have £5 (five pounds) which are blue and are increasingly rarely seen, £10 notes which are brown, £20 which are pinky-purple and £50 which are red. You are unlikely to see a £50 in general money. All british notes are heavily security marked, with a strip of metal through them top-to-bottom and a holograph on the right-hand corner. All British currency, both coin and notes is subject to fakery and £20 notes in particular are always checked for authenticity, using either a UV light scanner or a special pen. Some places will refuse to take£50 notes, You also see 'Bank of Scotland' notes; these are legal tender, but many places will still reject them because they have fewer security points than English notes.

To give an idea of value: £1 will get you a lot in a cheap shop. We have 'pound shops' here that specialise in large-range but low-quality items for £1 each or 2-for£1. In an ordinary shop it will get you a medium-sized chocolate bar or a couple of tins of mid-range food items. (Chocolate is called chocolate here, not candy, and is of a better quality than American chocolate, and different in flavour to 'continental' or Belgian chocolate). 

£5 will get you a short taxi ride (betwen 2 and 5 miles, in the Capital it's more expensive than in other cities). £5 will also get you a small meal in MacDonald's. It's not enough to get you a serving of fish and chips.

£10 will get you fish and chips and a drink. It will also get you the cheaper brands of make-up, a hair-dye, some cheap perfume or shaving gear, some tights or stockings or cheap underwear.

£20 will get you most things, though not a restaurant meal unless it's a cheap place. It's about £20-30 for take-away for two where I live, though it's probably more in London. £20 will get you a week's bus ticket. Train commuting is much more expensive.

£50 will get you a mid-range restaurant meal for one, or a night's drinking in a cheap pub. Pubs don't charge admission, whereas clubs normally do.

In a mid-range club or dance place you'd be looking a £50- £120 for a night of drinks for one, with admission on top of that between £20 and £50. The sky is the limit for the posher end of clubs, restaurants and bars.

Tipping is NOT compulsory here. You tip if you feel the service given was good or exceptional. Do please tip waiters and waitresses in cafe's and restaurants, as they are taxed to include a projection of their tips. Tipping 'chalet maids' or service staff in your hotel is a good move, as you are less likely to find small items 'missing' by the end of your trip. 'Buying your bar person a drink' is a good way to ensure convivial service, otherwise you may find you've become invisible at the bar. Coins are tipped usually, notes rarely. If you are trying to get info out of someone notes are likely to be expected, though.

Special note: Shoving uncounted handfuls of notes into taxi driver's hands is NOT normal and wouldn't be done by someone on John's income. That's just a bit of a liberty the show makers have taken with things. A tip to your driver is normal but not compulsory and normally no more than £2 - £5 for a short hop. I hate that the show probably means some of our visitors get ripped off when using taxis. Taxis in London are quite expensive and, no general slur intended to taxi drivers, but you may get ripped off... the 'clock' will show the right price, but you probably got driven round the block a couple of times or stuck in traffic more than necessary (the 'clocks' in taxis work off both the distance traveled and the time taken to get there).

Taxis have to have plates in to show they are legal and to display the same, along with an ID badge for the driver inside the vehicle. The same goes for private hire cars. If visiting Britain, if these aren't present I recommend you get straight back out of the vehicle as, at the very least, you are not insured for the journey you were hoping to make. Don't get into private hire cars (which look like ordinary cars but with plates on) unless you pre-booked them because again you are not insured unless the journey has been pre-booked. Taxis can be found at taxi ranks, hailed in the street (good luck with that) or pre-booked. Notoriously, London taxis don't like to 'cross the river', especially not from north to south (I'm not sure why, probably something to do with traffic or else 'turf wars' between taxi firms).


	2. Roads, Thoroughfares and their Names

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Common words and phrases relating to people and places.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This started with the word 'sidewalk'. . .
> 
> Updated and expanded 24/3/2016.

We don't have 'sidewalks' in Britain, we have 'pavements'. 

Our streets are paved, not with gold but with slabs of stone or fancy paving stones, sometimes with tarmac edged with stone. We call the lips of pavements 'edgings'. As in: "I tripped over the edging stone and fell on my arse" or "I was running down the road and slipped because there was ice on the pavement". It's very rare to encounter a street that doesn't have a pavement on either side of the roadway, Our roads are not so wide as those in America. Usually there is just one lane in either direction. Busy main roads might have two lanes in either direction. Motorways usually have three lanes in either direction.

Streets carry many names here. Some are related to the history of the road or the nature of the area they are in. In my city alone we have these examples: 

Canal Street,  
Tib Street -- named for the River Tib, but the did used to sell cats and other animals here),  
Piccadilly Gardens -- yes we have one as well as London,  
Deansgate,  
Whitworth Street,  
Foxholes Road,  
Warren Close,  
Oxford Road,  
Quay Street,  
Artillery Street,  
Lower Byrom Street,  
Trinity Way  
(The) Mancunian Way - Basically a ring road on stilts (flyover) that recently developed sink holes!

In order of small to large, roughly speaking, we have: Passage (usually only for foot traffic), Close, Avenue, Street, Road, Way. Roads named for places, such as Liverpool Road or Hyde Road go from where you are to the place stated in their name, though they may develop into Motorway for some of the trip.

*****

The size of roads here is designated using a letter, such as A67, A55, B6701, B6104, M1, M5 The number indicates where it leads to (B roads usually lead to A roads that carry the same first two numbers, e.g. B6502 would lead onto the A65

M = Motorway (Usually 3 lanes in each direction), may or may not have a 'hard shoulder' for emergency stopping. Speed limit 70 miles per hour. Goes from A to B to C in a monotonous chain of large roads and busy junctions, which drop you off the motorway and onto A roads.

A = Main road, quite often dual carriageway (two lanes in each direction), Connects towns with one another or is a primary route through a place. Speed limit varies, but usually either 40mph or 30mph, can be 20mph or less in built up and residential areas.

B = Minor road, often linking other larger roads, sometimes there in order to serve a settlement, or residential suburb. Usually one lane in either direction.

C= Smallest category of roads, quite rare these days, usually encountered only in rural or domestic areas. Often one lane in either direction, may be a single lane with passing places (especially in Scotland). Often in so poor a state of repair or crossing such rough territory that even when the speed limit is higher cannot be traversed at more than 10 to 15mph.

We do have some roads that only have their name and do not have a designation indicating size. These usually resemble B roads and are commonly indicative of being in a residential area, e.g. Mount Road, King Edward Avenue. Speed limits vary on these roads, but are usually 30mph or slower.

 

We get a LOT of traffic jams. Even on motorways you might find yourself crawling along at 5mph, mostly due to roadworks. Accidents can slow traffic too, as can broken traffic lights or bad weather. If it snows, stay home; we are simply under-equipped to cope with even light snowfalls.

 


	3. Police and Related Matters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> UK Police ranks and duties, where they work and who they work with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am NOT a police officer, nor any related profession. There may be minor errors here and I invite those more 'in the know' to add to or amend what I offer here via comments.
> 
> Even in British-made dramas the Police Force is subject to mispresentation and the eccentric or rebellious 'Detective Inspector' is a popular trope. This fiction should not be mistaken for the genuine article, however. The British Police Force, whilst being quite hierarchical, work on a team-basis for serious crimes. Less 'Frost' and 'Morse' and far more 'Prime Suspect'.

Here in the UK we don't have police 'precincts'. Our police operate from 'stations' or 'Head Quarters'. New Scotland Yard is a very prestigious station, the Head Quarters of the Metropolitan Police ('The Met') in London. See: https://www.facebook.com/metpoliceuk

The British Police employ both Officers and Civilians. The majority of UK policing is done by Specials, PCSOs or Constables, with support from various civilian staff members. 

See: http://www.askthe.police.uk/content/Q300.htm and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inspector#United_Kingdom 

**Constables** are entry-level Police Officers and receive more in-depth training, have powers of arrest and can accrue considerable experience over time compared to a Special or PCSO. Generally speaking 'local' Constables are deployed in pairs, as in the very sad case where two Officers recently lost their lives when responding to a call which proved to be an ambush deliberately set to kill whichever Officers responded to the call.

**PCSOs,** Police Community Support Officers, work at 'ground level' within a specific community. They address minor nuisance and antisocial behaviour issues. They do not have the power of arrest, but can summon other Officers if an arrest needs to be made.

**Special Constables** are Volunteer police staff who work 16 hours a month alongside Career Officers. Sad to say, in some quarters Special Officers are referred to as 'hobby bobbies', but they have the same powers and face all the same perils as paid staff. http://www.metpolicecareers.co.uk/specials/index.html 

The Constables, PCSOs and Specials report to their Sergeant(s). Head of a small station would be either a Sergeant or an Inspector, whilst larger stations, such as Divisional Headquarters will have Chief Inspector(s), Superintendent(s) and perhaps even a Chief Superintendent in residence. 

The Assistant Chief Constable, Deputy Chief Constable and Chief Constable are most likely to be found at the Head Quarters for a Region. The Chief Constable in a region (or large city) is usually the one to speak to the press on serious matters such as defending police policy or commenting on major cases or investigations to the press.

**Ranks** See: http://mentalhealthcop.wordpress.com/2012/03/26/police-rank-and-roles-explained/

**Uniformed**

Police Constable (PC) Police Sergeant (PS) Police Inspector (PI) Chief Inspector (CI) Superintendent (SI) Chief Superintendent (CSI) Assistant Chief Constable (non-London) (ACC) / Commander (London) Deputy Chief Constable (DCC) (non-London) / Deputy Assistant Commissioner (DAC) (London) Chief Constable (CC) (Non-London) 'The Boss' / Assistant Commissioner Deputy Commissioner (London) Commisioner (London) 'The Boss' 

**Non-Uniformed **See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Criminal_Investigation_Department****

Detective Constable (DC or Det Con)  
Detective Sergeant (DS or Det Sgt)  
Detective Inspector (DI or Det Insp)  
Detective Chief Inspector (DCI or Det Ch Insp)  
Detective Superintendent (DSI or Det Supt)  
Detective Chief Superintendent (DCS or Det Ch Supt)

**Other Staff**

**SOCOs, (CSI)** Scene of Crime Officers perform similar duties to those of the USA's Crime Scene Investigators. They are often accompanied by the duty Coroner. They search for, collect and analyse forensic evidence at the crime scene and analyse what they find back at their laboratories.

Civilian staffing includes radio room operators, counsellors, IT support, forensics, finance, HR, marketing, healthcare and administration.

**Animal Officers**

The British Police also employ animals to assist in their work. Police Horses are trained and deployed for crowd control, area patrols and ceremonial duties. Police Dogs are trained and deployed for many purposes, including finding missing people, detecting the presence of drugs and controlling the actions of fugitives. Whilst Police Horses are housed within the Police Stables, Police Dogs live with their trainers and their families.

**Weapons and armourment**

British Police Officers do NOT normally carry guns! They do all carry police batons (not truncheons these days, though in historical context prior to about 1980 it would be a truncheon, which is basically a wooden billy club). They do nowadays wear stab vests to protect them from knife attacks. Sometimes they wear bulletproof vests and other armours, though this is less common and depends on their deployment and duties. In historical context, constables used to wear the classic pointed, stiffened-felt police helmets, though these have mostly been replaced with caps nowadays.

If there is a Terrorist alert in operation or the police officer is stationed at an airport or major rail terminus they _may_ be armed, though usually with rifles or similar rather than with handguns. There are some very strict controls in place to determine when and why firearms can be issued and carried.

Some police forces also have sporting clubs where firearms accuracy is promoted and officers can compete for prizes.

If the officer is part of a PSU, for example involved in crowd control at a protest or police match, they way be equipped with helmets, batons and clear riot shields, either round ones or the larger rectangular ones (the latter used, for example, where missiles or fire bombs are being thrown at police). PSU vehicles are armoured and look similar to a large people carrier.

**Glossary**

Banged up - Imprisoned  
Beat - The regular route patrolled by a PCSO or Constanble  
Bobby - 'Fond' , old-fashioned slang term for a Police Constable  
(In) Clink - Imprisoned or detained in cells at a station  
Copper - More modern slang term for any Police Officer, not flattering  
(The) Met - Metropolitan Police Force (London)  
Panda / Panda Car - Old-fashioned slang for a police car, derived from the paint job applied to police cars in the 1960s and 1970s  
PSU - Police Support Unit (also known as a Tactical Aid Unit, Operational Support Unit etc., regional titles) See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Police_Support_Unit_(UK)/) Station - Building housing members of the police force

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to the memories of Fiona Bone and Nichola Hughes,
> 
> See: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/9551735/Manchester-police-deaths-Lured-to-their-deaths-in-an-act-of-pure-evil.html
> 
> to my own father, and to all the other Officers of the Greater Manchester Police force, past and present.


	4. Britspeak, Slang and Swearing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A chapter that will grow over time, looking at those words that mean one thing in British English and something else in American English, for example 'muffin'. Also some unique British words and phrases. Also includes British slang and swearing and some tips about British spellings.

**Muffin** A flat bread product about 5 inches in diameter and 3/4 of an inch thick, it gets sliced open and buttered and then savoury fillings are placed on it. Popular fillings would include bacon, cheese (and onion), ham (and tomato), tuna (and sweetcorn), beef (and onion), pork (and stuffing), chicken (and stuffing), turkey (and stuffing).

See: http://www.wellsphere.com/healthy-cooking-article/breakfast-english-muffins/604114

**Pavement** We don't have 'sidewalks', we have pavements. The edge of the pavement is called the 'kerb' (or 'edging'). Pavements in the UK are normally made of paving stones and are about 3 to 4 feet wide on average. British pavements are notoriously poorly maintained and may have been mended with tarmac or be uneven.

See: https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSf14TuwrIowfR9e0nxu87DS-Rul7BFEY8Ax20evX0tSeOd5s-2

**Zebra crossing** A zebra crossing is intended to help pedestrians cross a busy road safely. It consists of lamp posts painted with black and white stripes, topped with round yellow balls that light up (belisha beacons) and a painted pattern of black and white stripes across the road.

See: http://citytransport.info/Digi/P1030557a.jpg


	5. Guns and armed police in Britian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Information for authors about the arming of police officers and the use and possession of firearms and other weapons in Britain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This article covers the topic of guns and armed police on mainland Britian. Please note that the regulations for the arming of officers in Northern Ireland are different. I recommend further research if that is where your story is being set. In fact, I always recommend further research, whatever the topic.

Guns… guns... guns… NO!

One of my particular pet hates is where people have UK police carrying guns as standard.

Whilst Ministry of Defence personnel and members of the Civil Nuclear Police and the Diplomatic Protection Group are issued firearms as a matter of routine, the British police are not. Police officers officers use snap-out batons for defence and to help them deal with unruly suspects. They also commonly carry speed-cuffs and PAVA or CS gas. 

The use of tasers has been growing recently, but are only carries by Authorised Firearms Officers (AFOs) and some special units, although police unions have asked for tasers to become standard issue for all police.

If a situation calls for the use of firearms, the Firearms Unit or an Armed Response Vehicle may be summoned. There are also some branches of the Metropolitan police (who police London) who carry firearms, which may explain how Lestrade came to have a gun with him at Baskerville; then again, he was on Mycroft’s business and so we could imagine Mycroft arranged for him to be armed. Around just 7% of British police are trained in the use of firearms, and even for them guns are only issued under very strict guidelines.

The only times I have seen armed police (and I live in a very large city) is if there has been a terrorist threat (seen then at the rail station), if a serious civil disturbance is expected (political rallies that are likely to turn violent unless a deterrent is present) or if they are based at the airport In these examples, all were carrying rifles of one type or another rather than handguns. I’m not sufficiently into firearms as to be able to tell you the type usually carried, and neither are most British citizens. Handguns are going, at best, to be described by witnesses as ‘a revolver’ or ‘an automatic’ and all shouldered firearms will be ‘rifles or ‘shotguns’ unless they have obvious special attachments, when they might get called ‘a sniper rifle’.

Seeing police with guns is both startling and frightening to the average British citizen. I remember being with an American friend who was visiting and he was utterly amazed when he saw two real policemen walk into a bar unarmed. “It’s really true then!” he said in amazement. (Don’t forget though, they do have their batons and are well trained in their use).

Despite media hype, guns are not common amongst British criminals either. Knife crime is an entirely different matter, though.‘Drive-bys’ are very rare here. We do have gang violence but it is mostly enacted with blades, blunt instruments, feet and hands, rather than firearms. Some use of air rifles, BB guns (ball bearings) and fake firearms does take place, but is still not very common, possibly because our armed response units tend to assume any firearm being waved about is real and therefore treat the holder accordingly. It’s important to know too, though, that armed response officers are usually there to contain a situation in order to give their colleagues a chance to negotiate a surrender. Our police do not usually operate under ‘shoot to kill’ protocols..When our police do come under fire, though (for example by rioters or violent football fans) , they tend to respond en masse and forcefully, to end such situations as quickly as possible and to keep civilian injuries to a minimum.

Two branches of the British police force which often get overlooked are the mounted force and the police dog handlers. Mounted police can be seen on patrol, even in suburban areas, occasionally. They also do escort duty for peaceful demonstrations and special parades (such as Pride events and Remembrance Day marches). The horses are, without exception, large and beautifully turned out creatures who are specially trained to deal with excitable crowds. Police dogs perform many duties including tracking or restraining criminals and sniffing out drugs or other substances. Police dogs live with their assigned officer as a regular member of their family and are perfectly trustworthy around children and so forth, having been trained only to attack on specific commands.

As a footnote, ‘police brutality’ is not common in Britain any more. Yes, officers will manhandle difficult suspects or prisoners, but within the bounds of ‘reasonable use of force’. Anything else will find them in a huge amount of trouble and liable to prosecution themselves.


	6. Places of Note in the UK

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Places of note in Britain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to suggest additions and alterations to these notes, my geography is sketchy and my analyses may lack accuracy for this particular chapter! Hopefully there is enough info to encourage you to go google places of interest anyway.

The English capital is London.

 

Other major cities are:

Manchester (Heavy Engineering and Wholesale Clothes and Fabric Production)

Birmingham

Liverpool (Major Port: Passenger / holiday traffic to Ireland and Commercial shipping all across the world)

Blackpool (NW English holiday destination used to be a nice family place but now popular mainly with Hens and Stags and staggering drunks)

York (Central NE. Popular holiday destination for families, history lovers and train enthusiasts. Very pretty but very overcrowded during summer months)

Oxford (University City. Picturesque neighbour and competitor to Cambridge)

Cambridge (University City. Picturesque neighbour and competitor to Oxford)

 

 

Cardiff (Southern Wales, capital of Wales, Port. Nice castle)

Aberystwyth (Mid-Wales coastal town, popular holiday destination. Lovely beach)

Llandudno (Once-sleepy holiday town, North Wales coast)

Conwy (Fabulous castle guarding a picturesque riverside and the Northern Coast of Wales)

Swansea (Southern Wales, industrial neighbour to Cardiff)

 

 

Edinburgh (Capital of Scotland, mediocre castle that is still staffed, quite cosmopolitan but not very exciting city)

Aberdeen (North Sea off-shore Oil Industry)

Stirling (Central Scotland, fabulous castle, Glass Industry)

St. Andrews (University town and holiday resort, East Coast of Scotland)


	7. Mind Your Pees and Queues - Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Swearing, cursing and abusing others, in English Brit-speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by TorchwoodCardiff :-)

I can't really write this chapter without using swear words, so apologies for this. Too, this is more an 'English-pick' than a Brit pick, since I am not sufficiently familiar with the relative perceived levels of acceptibility and vehemence specific swearing has in Scotland, Wales or Northern Ireland to advise anyone. I welcome input from people with more insight about non-English Brit-swearing!

 

I would love to know from Welsh readers whether it's true that 'there are no swear words in Welsh'? I understand it's more a case of there being elaborate descriptives of ones relatives' sexual proclivities and ancestory?

 

I'd also love to hear about swearing and etiquette in other English-speaking countries, or indeed anywhere else in the world.

 

*****

 

Swearing is 'bad form'. The use of swear words should be confined to those moments when all other words fail you. So my head-canon Mycroft tells me.

 

In reality, some swear words are used quite a lot. Some are so commonly used that their 'sting' has been lost and they are hardly considered to be swearing at all any more. That's something to be aware of, actually, British swear words vary in intensity across time. Historical fic requires a different vocabulary, and that includes what swear words you include (or exclude).

 

There are some Brits who would say we no longer have a class system, but certainly we do in terms of which swear words are used and at what (and in my opinion denying we still have a class system in Britain is ridiculous anyway).

 

*****

 

The BBC is a pretty good guide as to what swear words are acceptable, when and where. Likewise so are small children – because if a child uses a word and their parents either panic furiously in case someone heard, or roll around laughing because it's just too cute, you know the word is naughty!

 

*****

 

Most difficult word to discuss is 'fuck', or 'the F word' as we call it. Young, lower-class people use 'fuck' almost as a pause for breath, in some circumstances. It's fine doing that if you are on a trip out with your 'scally' peers, but never do it if you are trying to woo your companion! Since lower-class parents are more likely to 'clock you one' for misbehaving you really don't want your parent(s) or your Nan hearing that word fall from your lips! Nan will be especially upset – the older someone is, the more offensive they find swearing, generally speaking. I'm a bit of a throwback, because despite not being old enough to claim my pension yet I will still challenge youths if they are swearing in the street to excess (even knowing I might get a punch in the face for it, swince I don't have the immunity from violence a Nan might claim).

 

'Fuck off' likewise varies in acceptability. It might be used jokingly between pals, or as a cry to battle between drunks or rival football fans. Accompanying it with the famed two-fingered gesture definitely moves it into the latter class.

 

 

As an example of just how complex the F-word is, let me give a few small examples:

'Fuck off, Ianto' might come easily from Owen, since he is a rougher, more 'street' person than Ianto – and thus the phrase is perceived as holding less venom than in, for instance, Jack were to say it to anyone. Ianto is less likely to say it to Owen unless he is really wound up or stressed. 'Fucking hell!' might come from anyone upon sighting a weevil or cyberman for the first time, though more likely 'Bloody hell' from an older person or a better-bred or raised person.

Mycroft might exclaim 'Bloody hell, Sherlock!' if his sibling had really overstepped the bounds, but would never tell him (or anyone else) to 'Fuck off', where John would have no compunction whatsoever about telling his annoying flatmate to do so – but probably only if they are in private, or amongst friends.

 

*****

 

'Bloody' is a much worse curse in historical setting than in modern times. So is 'damn'.

'Taking the Lord's name in vain' is an even worse horror if it happens in an historical, whereas 'Jesus Christ, Mary!' is rude (especially when said to your spouse), but won't make anyone draw breath in horror in a modern setting – It does imply you are really annoyed with or shocked by them, though.

 

*****

 

Swearing in social settings is bad, unless you are 'a rough type'. Men try not to swear in front of women. Women swear, but usually only in front of an audience of exclusively female mates. Women who swear in public are generally considered to be 'common'; being 'common' is not good. The use of alcohol increases the likelihood of these tacit 'rules' being broken, and drunk people will often drown an 'enemy' (usually a policeman or bouncer) in foul language, especially if they are spoiling for a fight. Swearing in the wrong setting and company will probably lead to violence, so less is definitely more in the real world! What you do in your writing is up to you, but I recommend going for a realistic level of swearing, or less, if you want to get published here.

 

*****

 

'Bloody numpty!' is a lovely phrase, and very Brit; likewise 'Tosser' (one who 'tosses themselves off' – a milder version of the term 'wanker') 'Bollocks' (used to suggest someone is lying, or else as a mild expletive when things go wrong) and 'You fucking idiot!'. 'Dick head'' and 'wanker' carry more vehemence. 'Arsehole' is certainly not intended in a friendly way.

 

'I need a pee!' or 'I really need the loo!' are commonplace, whilst 'Christ I need a piss' is going to get a more shocked response generally speaking, though less so if said by a man in male-only company than by a woman in any company.

 

'Shit' is a relatively mild expression, usually used in shock or surprise or, like 'bollocks', when things have gone wrong or if you have just accidentally injured yourself.

 

Failing at a sport is liable to escalate the use and severity of swearing, as is watching someone else fail at sports. The air around 'posh' or 'horsey' types is often blue if their animal lets them down, as is the atmosphere in the football stands if a team 'lets one slip' past the goalie.

 

'Letting one slip' is also a euphemism for farting. Farting is funny sometimes, but a deep embarassment other times.

 

*****

 

Etiquette regarding swearing at work varies drastically. Best to listen to what others get away with first before attempting to join in! Swearing in blue collar settings is almost compulsory (especially the breathe-pause use of 'Fuck, as discussed earlier), but to be reserved for moments such as being told you are all being made redundant in 'the professions'.

 

Patients may choose to swear at medical staff, but the favour must never be returned, especially in front of witnesses. Swearing at medical staff is liable to get you less than sympathetic treatment, and swearing at waiting staff may get your food peed on or spat on. Teachers can never swear outside of the sanctuary of the staff room, but the air there may become positively azure, or even midnight, if 'that little fucker Jennings ever does that again!'.

 

*****

 

Finally I must deal with 'slurs'. Slurs are words used to denegrate and abuse people because of their sexuality, race, gender etc., and are never cool irl. Your villain might just resort to them, though, if they are a real prick . . .

 

Some words which are slurs have been 'reclaimed'. As such, people can apply them to themselves, but other people have no right whatsoever to use those words. For example, some of the lesbian women I mix with proudly declare themselves 'Dykes'; others find the 'official' term 'Lesbian' repulsive. The word 'Queer' has been reclaimed by gay men, and appropriated, in a friendly way, by non-binary people, but you will never here them use the term 'homo' to describe themselves.

 

'Cunt', 'cock-sucker', 'motherf*cker' and such are all extremely offensive terms; and do I even need to include the words 'n**ger', 'r*g-head' 'wh*te meat' and 'g*ppo'? If I do, you probably need schooling on a whole different level than I can offer here.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reserve the right to come back and add to this chapter as more swear words come to mind.
> 
> Part Two of this chapter will look at 'manners' and etiquette . . . the greatest rule of these being 'Thou shalt never 'push in' the queue'.


	8. Softwear and Hardware

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, bit of a 'punny' title. Radar_Girl asked me to do something on bedding. I figure that won't fill a chapter, so I am going to look at that plus anything I can think of that might relate.

To set the scene: Modern UK homes typically have 3 or 4 bedrooms, kitchen, lounge, entranceway that also contains the staircase, small gardens back and front or a yard at the back, and gas central heating and double-glazing as standard. They are usually either semi-detached or detached. In older properties – especially terraced houses or cottages – you may step straight into the lounge from the street and the stairs will also be in the lounge. Staircases usually rise one flight in a single stretch, or may turn part-way up if the structure of the building demands it. Older, infirm people may either have a stair-lift fitted, or else choose to live in a bungalow (single floor dwelling) or a ground-floor fat.

 

Flats are usually one- or two-bedroomed, or 'bedsit'. A bedsit usually involves living, eating and sleeping all in the same single room. Not all flats have their own toilet and bathroom, you might be sharing with around three other people; kitchens too may be shared in flats, especially student accommodations.

 

*****

 

So, bedding . . . Okay, we have two standard sizes of bed here – a single of a double. 'Queen' size beds may be found in hotels or apartments. Some people have moved to 'King' size beds, but here the bedding for King Size beds is sufficiently expensive to put many off buying one. Typically, beds here do not contain televisions or other built-in luxuries, and are constructed of either pine or tubular steel. Bedroom furnishing often includes two side tables (small chests of drawers) to bracket the headboard, a wardrobe (fitted or free-standing) and possibly a larger chest of drawers or a desk or dressing table. Wall-to-wall carpeting – possibly with rugs atop – or wooden flooring are the most popular choice in bedrooms here.

 

How many pillows you will find on a bed varies, but the average is two per person. The contents of bedding sets varies. All types of bedding can also be bought separately. We have sheets, fitted or unfitted (the latter very rare these days); we have pillow cases (usually only two in a bedding set); we have duvets and duvet covers, which are basically cotton envelopes to cover the duvet – which is a polyester- or down- or feather-filled sack about 3 inches thick and sized, like beds, as single, double or king.

 

Increasingly popular now, you might find 'memory foam' underlay on a bed, or a 'topper' or mattress protector'. These may be anti-allergen, or not. Pillows are typically filled either with foam, feathers or down, with levels of comfort prices that climb as you ascend that list. Memory foam pillows are also available.

 

Standard colour for hotel bedding is white, or to match the hotel's livery or the room's decor. Domestic bedding comes in all colours. 'Chintz' is less popular in domestic bedding design than abstract patterns, regimented stripes or repeating shapes, or large florals.

 

Beyond standard, some people will add a 'throw' – a lightweight cover, often fleece or faux velvet (even animal print – ugh!) and maybe extra pillows or some scatter' cushions – small cushions that also follow the colour scheme of the bed or room, usually.

 

Blankets are rare here nowadays. If you are writing pre-1970s then many heavy woollen blankets will take the place of a duvet. Duvets come in different 'togs' – heat ratings – 4/0 is cool, 10.5 average and 13.5 and above for cold weather conditions.

 

Older people may still use electric blankets, which work rather like heated seating in a car. These and wool blankets have dropped out of favour since the advent of central heating.

 

I should also mention 'rugs'. Most rugs are the type found on floors, but the word also can refer to a 'car blanket'. These are carried in cars in case of getting stuck out on the road in 'bad weather' (ie it snowed a bit, or flooded in parts), or to provide a ground cover when wanting to have a picnic.

 

(Picnics are not what they lead you to believe in fiction – they usually happen inside your car, with paper plates and 'cling-filmed' (saran-wrapped) sandwiches, with fruit, cake or petit-filous for afters. Nts are less a problem for this kind of picnic than wasps).

 

*****

 

UK kitchens vary a lot, but are often on the small side. Typically you will find a cooker (a set of 'rings' – a hob – and oven, maybe also a built-in grill), a sink (two in more modern homes), fitted cupboards and maybe 'an island'. Appliances will always include a kettle, and more often than not a microwave. There mioght also be a toaster if there isn't one built into the cooker. Dishwashers and clothes washers and dryers may also be present.

 

*****

 

I'm not sure what a 'love seat' is in the USA, though googling the term brings up pictures of what we call 'sofas'. Traditional European love seats area a quite different thing. The classic design has one seat facing one way and a second seat facing the opposite way, with the two joined at one side by the arm.

The idea was to provide seating which would allow two people to converse, without any 'hanky panky' other than kissing and hand-holding being possible. I think the design first came about in the 1700s? Usually they were padded and covered in silk or velvet. Nowadays they are only seen in stately homes or 'posh*' hotels.

 

*****

 

In the average lounge or sitting room you may find a 'three-piece suite' (NOT suit), a television (size and quality vary), computer, laptop, X-Box or Playstation, or tablet. Some houses lack dining rooms, and you may find a table and chairs in the lounge or kitchen, or a 'breakfast bar' in the kitchen if it is an older property.

 

Sofas and settees (or 'settles') come in various designs, but standard is either two-seater or three-seater. The only difference I can fiond between a sofa and a settee is that the latter has separate, visible legs which are turned into a feature. A settle may be a modern settee, or it can refer to a much older form of wooden bench with a high back and wings.

 

A typical 'three piece suite' will consist of a sofa and two chairs. Some sofas are designed to convert into temporary beds. Furnishings in the UK have to meet standards for fire safety and be flame-retardent, as do childrens' clothes.

 

In historical stories you might also see a 'sideboard' referred to, depending on period, plus a piano (in place of the modern television and serving the same purpose of entertainment). A sideboard is a long cabinet, originally used in the dining room to place hot dishes on ready for serving at the table. Sometimes they also had included lead-lined cupboards or drawers for holding ice and champagne or wine bottles. Pianos were typically 'upright' (like saloon piano) rather than 'grand' or 'baby grand', unless it was a very well-off household.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Do you know the origin of the term 'posh'? It comes from the days of the early cruise ships. It is an acronym, meaning 'Port Out, Starboard Home', and refers to the best cabins on a ship, which allow the occupants the best views and most sunshine when cruising from Britain out to the rest of the world. It has come to be applied to things and people of good breeding and implied wealth or costliness. Posg is more than being rich, it is being refined in manners and carrying a natural air of entitlement with you. Mycroft is the perfect example of someone who is 'posh', so too is the Queen, of course.


	9. Lost in Translation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some words and phrases just have different meanings in UK English compared with US English. Other words have no equivalent. Some of these words will earn you a punch in the face if used in the wrong setting - You have been warned!

Some words and phrases just have different meanings in UK English compared with US English. Other words have no equivalent. Here are some of them. I'll add to this list as and when I think of things.

 

 **Purse** \--A small container for coins (and notes), usually either zip-fastened or fastening with a 'sneck'.

 **Handbag** \-- What Americans refer to as a purse. A larger bag into which you would put your purse, keys, lipstick etc..

 **Shoulder bag**  -- A handbag on a long strap, or a man's version of a handbag.

 **Satchel**  -- Satchels are leather shoulder bags of a particular design, used mostly by school children and pretentious teachers and academics.

 **Pumps**  -- Cloth gym shoes with laces, usually worn only by children. Their rubber soles stink!

 **Court shoes**  -- Low-heeled slip-on ladies shoes, may be leather or might be a softer fabric like satin.

 **Slippers**  -- Informal, indoor, slip-on footwear, often ugly but always comfortable. Certain types are worn only by old ladies.

 **Sneck**  -- A fastening, usually for a window or door, but can be used to describe a metallic clip used to close a purse or other opening item.

 **Snicket**  -- Regional term for a narrow passageway between buildings. only open to foot traffic, an alley or narrow closed-in path.

 **Ginnel**  -- Regional term for a narrow passageway between buildings. only open to foot traffic, an alley or narrow closed-in path.

 **Lout**  -- A rough person, usually male, with poor manners and often bad language. (Pronounced 'L-ow-t').

 **Gormless**  -- Lacking of gorm ;-) Someone who is slack-jawed and stupid, or 'slow on the uptake'.

 **Gross!**  -- Horrible! Disgusting!

 **Football** \-- What the US call 'soccer'. We don't ever call it soccer, it's football, or 'the footie'. Exaple 'I won a few quid on the footie the other night!'

 **Quid** \-- Slang term for a pound, Sterling. (We don't deal in 'Euros', we have Pounds and pence).

 **Bogey**  -- Something disgusting that you dig out of your nose. Also, an old-fashioned (WWII) term for an enemy, as in 'Bogey at three o'clock'.

 **Fag**  -- Most people know this one, I think. In the UK, 'fag' is slang for a cigarette.

 **Ciggy**  -- Abbreviation for a cigarette.

 **'Got a light?'**  -- Can you light my cigarette please?

 **Duck** \-- Regional term of endearment, as in 'You alright, my duck?'

 **Love** \-- Used as a noun, regional form of friendly address, very common in Manchester especially. Example, even to a stranger: 'Thanks Love'. Other similar terms would include 'Petal', 'Mate', 'Pal'.

 **Arse!** \-- Rude synonym for bum, or bottom (US equivalent is 'ass', but I think that is a bit more acceptable than the UK version). Also used as an expletive. More rude than 'Damn!', but less rude than 'Fuck!'

 **Minger*** \-- Rude thing you call someone ugly who has upset you. Suggests someone 'less than clean', either physically or morally. 'She's a right minger!'

 **Readies** \-- Cash money, usually the folding variety.

 **Copper** \-- Can mean (literally) copper coins, but more likely to be referring to a policeman or policewoman.

 **Dickhead*** \-- Swearword referring to someone you don't like and who you feel is 'a bit of a wanker'.

 **Wanker*** \-- Swearword for someone you feel is socially inept or aggravating. Literally, it means someone who masturbates a lot (and may have killed off some braincells doing so).

 **Wally** \-- Milder version of the term 'dickhead'. An idiot or prat.

 **Prat** \-- Someone foolish or annoying.

 **Slag*** \-- A woman of loose morals - someone who 'puts it around a bit'.

 **Slapper*** \-- See 'slag'. 'She's a right old slapper, that one!' (Literally, suggests a ladies privates are rather 'loose' and make a slapping noise when in use! Ugh!).

 **Fugly --** Fucking ugly

 

***Liable to get you a punch in the face in response, especially if yelled across a bar or the street at someone. Not something you would say in front of you Nan!**

 


	10. Things That Bug Me - Mostly Homophones!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am a pedant when it comes to writing. People use the wrong words, or use the right words but in the wrong way, all the time. It bugs me. So do errors in spelling and grammar. This chapter is just my need to speak out about such 'dire offences'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've given Jessie Blackwood access to this as a co-author as she has some stuff she would like to add to the mix. Please give her a big welcome 'Huzzah!'

 

 

Alot \- There is **no such word!** It is two words . . . a lot (of sweets, bicycles, warriors etc.).

 

Allot \- to share out, to give a portion. As in, 'We were each allotted a bedroll, a saddle and a horse when we joined the cavalry.'

 

I would of / I wouldof \- there is no such phrase. It should be 'I would have', don't do it unless you are reflecting the way a character speaks, if they are lower class.

I could of / couldof \- as for 'would of'; this should be 'could have'.

 

Course \- You steer a course. Some games, like golf, are played on a course. You follow a course of action.

Coarse \- Poor cloth can be coarse. Language can be coarse. Hair can be coarse. The coats of animals can be coarse. You go coarse fishing (for fish that are not game fish, not salmonids).

 

Decimated - That word 'decimated' . . . It's a bugbear for me! I inherited my loathing for it from my boyfriend, who always ranted when it got misused. Now I rant. It is a term from the Romans. It **means** to kill **one tenth** of a force or a community or group. It was a punishment the Romans used to keep their own and other armies and groups in check. People use it all the time when they want to suggest great havock and many deaths being wrought, but in doing so they use it inaccurately! It was a punishment the Romans used to keep their own and other armies in check. People use it all the time when they want to suggest great havock and many deaths being wrought, but in doing so they use it inaccurately!

 

Descent / decent  It is a long descent into darkness for Loki when he falls (jumps?). Thor is a decent enough man, but not all that perceptive. (Okay, I admit it, I found this error in one of my own works).

 

Here / hear \- You h **ear** with your ears, you come here of your own volition.

 

Piece/Peace \- You give someone **a piece** of your mind when you want to make your point. You seek **peace of mind** when you go on a retreat or fix things with a cup of tea, or try to relax and forget it all.

 

Rain/reign/rein \- It rains a lot where I live. We get wet. Natives of the city always carry umbrellas. You hold the horse's reins. You rein the horse in. If you are royalty you might get to reign over your subjects. Tyrants reign. Clouds rain. Animals are led on reins. Silence reigns, and we all get wet.

 

Stylus / stylist \- A stylus is a metal tool akin to a pen, or sometimes can suggest a pen, pencil, pointer or other implement used to scratch onto a surface or to make marks. A stylist is a hairdresser (usually) or someone who advises on how to dress, or decorate somewhere (less commonly used this way in the UK - more people have hair stylists than have interior design or fashion advisors)..

Stylish Someone who has flair in how they dress and leads fashion trends rather than following the. Can also be applied to things. 

She has a stylish handbag. His home is stylishly decorated.

 

There / their / they're \- There is spelled like here, and indicates place. Their indicates that something belongs to 'them'. They're is a shortened version of the phrase 'they are'.

You can only travel there by bantha. Their coats are thick and coarse. They're going to be tough to learn to ride. See / sea - See with your eyes (two eyes, two ees in see). You see the ships that are sailing on the s **ea** , which crashes as waves on the b **ea** ch (also 'ea').

Beach / beech \- The waves crash on the beach. The forest comprises of beech trees and oaks.

 

Two / too / to \- 'Two' is a number. 'Too' is a stressing word; it emphasises a quantity. 'To' indicates movement from one place or state to another, a preposition - a word that shows how things are related in space or otherwise.

The two elves were carrying bows. They were too far away, yet, to tell what type of elves they were. We went to meet them. 

Too much, too soon, too far, too many.

I threw the ball to her. I went to the bathroom. I was definitely going to tell on her!

  

Which / witch \- Which indicates a choice has to be made. A witch is a person reputed to be capable of casting spells or using magic to make things to happen how they want them to.

Which child stole the lollipop? Which way should we go? Which shoes have you chosen to wear? Watch out for the witch, she might be nice to you!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I also recommend this site:
> 
> http://grammar.yourdictionary.com/style-and-usage/commonly-confused-words.html


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